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Bored with the shallowness of my sexuality?
Is there anyone who can relate to this? I'll state right from the top it's an account of a pretty good life in need of maybe some optimization, which people with real problems might find a pointless and painful read. Feel free to not! Relevant context about me: - 31, gay (slightly more accurate terms include homoflexible and androgeno-sexual/I don't go for muscle men and I do for cute butch girls/non-binary people) white, live in a medium-small southern city - Engineer, bright and thought-filled. My deepest interests are pragmatic systems (technology and the economy), music, science, policy, and how to build a world in which the economy is less about cranking out excess crap and junky, showy experiences and more about making art and meaning for ourselves and each other to enjoy. - Very much live in my head. Simple, introverted life and hobbies (games, plants, music). Very little going out or hanging out with more than 3 people at once. - In my looks, above average, by which I mean 'worth a shag' in the impression of more than a few people, well short of the top echelons, and very unfussy about my looks/no gym and no tone/take bad pictures/dress either in rags or conservative staples. - I recoil from SJW politics, seeing the world as a system that begs first to be described accurately rather than pointlessly preached to about what it should be. To me, the only hope of designing the world for the better is to use such a thorough understanding to make non-battleground-infested changes to infrastructual setup of society/economy/culture to line human nature up for better results. - Small handfuls of friends in general. Over the years the shift has been gradual but near absolute to most of my closest friends being gay men I either once had or ongoingly have regular sex with. Now, the "is this relatable" ask: I am very open-minded, sex positive, and in the short (but lengthening) 9 years between coming out and now, have greatly enjoyed my sexuality. I've had sex with quite a few people, much of it has been quality, I've discovered and enjoyed my kinks, I'm open to intimacy but not thirsty for it, being single doesn't bother me in the least, etc. I've had some <1 year relationships and, while one was stormy, all were ultimately lovely and life-enriching and have created lasting long-distance connections, people who will be special to me for the rest of my life. But I'm at this crossroads. I look inside my sexual brain and I'm contemptuously bored by what I see. It is keenest when I dip into an hour's indulgence of stalking beautiful "Instagay"-types on social media. But generally I'm pretty good about not overindulging in this, and it isn't the thing I'm most 'over' about myself. I feel like my physical types, while not extremely single-minded, are such a deeply cut rut that it's dreary. Youthful, fresh-faced, thin, beautiful, fashionable (or at least more fashionable than me), toned abs without bulky muscles. I hate the compulsiveness with which this turns my head. I hate my total and long-lasting blindness to whether there's a really interesting person or actual good ideas behind those looks. I hate that I *know* I would miss out on a great friend, awesome art, a clever and insightful mind, and someday if I have more responsibility over hiring, a valuable workmate, if they were stacked up against a beautiful person who had any comparable item up for my consideration. This dovetails into more of my experience of my own sexuality. I feel like many of the people I've been most enamored with lately a) I have a lower hit rate even catching the attention of, and b) when I do connect with one, have drifted away from their interest in me fast. I may be crazy or projecting, but I feel mirrored back at me when I look at a person I'm into my own unimpressedness with the boring baseness of my sexual desires and repertoire: tongue ears and neck, tongue ass/69, look at them with a questioning smile, ease my way in, flip flop a few times if he's into that, breed or sometimes get bred, cuddle, shrug, lather, rinse, repeat. One thing I feel I've done a lot of in the last few years is feed attention-monsters, to the point of those with borderline personality disorder. I pretty much know how to feed these bottomless personality holes, and by and large how to keep the dangers of being close to this type of person at arm's length. It's a functional arrangement: they get that itch scratched, I get cute ass to breed. But it's twisted and kinda knows it's going nowhere right from the beginning. It's safe, a little twisted, and I've finally reached the point where it makes me feel empty. Here's the list of things I feel are most urgently missing from myself: - To restore healthy balance to my capacity for friendship and artistic/intellectual impressedness by purifying these areas of my stupid sexuality - To not take months to realize a gorgeous person who's not a match is not worth slathering my attention all over - Endurance and consistency in understanding my partners' pleasure - Better sexual communication - Kinks: to be braver, more open, and more proactive in offering and asking for mainstream kinks, and a little bolder once a rapport is established about sharing my oddball kink, and finding out about/checking out their oddballs. - To better understand and use the two powerful options around sexual situations with physical bodies I'm not instantly magnetic towards: 1) Learn how to get excited over worthwhile opportunities (sociable sex, professional connections, kink opportunities, being taught new tricks by older men), for other reasons/in other ways besides shallow magnetism, and 2) If I'm not gonna get there, get better at disappearing politely but fast and definitively. - Get up to speed on the Dom/sub business. I know of myself, and am not trying to magically change, that my sexuality is super egalitarian and doesn't like deeply Dom/sub physical or mental exertion. But I want to learn to *play* with power, to spice things up, to meet people's D/s needs when they're straightforward, and to learn about the sublimated lusts for power or to please that exist inside myself. - Learn alternatives to phallus-centric sex. To smoothen the transition to middle age/normal erectile dysfunction that's already beginning for me, to have a happier existence as a medium-small-cocked person in a big cock-loving culture, and to better get out of my own head and what pleases me in sex. Can you relate to any parts of this experience? Did you grow or change? Did it take effort or did it happen by itself? Or alternatively, have you made peace with these aspects of your way of being? On what terms was that peace?
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